lo

they say i’m irresponsible. that if my head wasn’t attached to my neck, that i’d lose my body before i even knew it was gone. but the funny thing is, they’re totally right. calling me irresponsible is a nice way of putting it. i’m more than irresponsible, i’m pretty dumb. i’m dumb, i’m naive, and i make mistakes. to be perfectly honest i don’t make mistakes i make bad choices, so i understand why jace will never love me. who could love a girl with all of my baggage.

i’ve had this crush on jace since our first run in with each other. it was a rainy day in southern California, as weird as that may sound, but its true. the torrential rain was hailing down on the ground and i was walking to the bus stop in my rain boots, a tank top, and some shorts. like i said, i make bad choices.

out of nowhere this strapping young gentlemen runs up from behind me, with his blue umbrella, and saves the day. the first thing i noticed was his smile, not even the sun could compete with, and when he touched my face to move my wet hair behind my ears he sent chills through my veins. i was in love and i knew he was the one.
we made it to the bus station and he gave me his umbrella, and then disappeared. i didn’t even get to ask him his name, and i thought he was gone forever, fortunately i met him again a few days later through my friend phil. there was just something about jace, that i connected with. he was unlike any of the other douches i had previously dated.

when i was twelve, i dated a guy named rocco. he had flaming red hair and had the most beautiful green eyes i’d ever come across. looking into them was like looking into the ocean. i would get lost in them for hours, but then he’d open his mouth, and everything would go to hell. i really hated his voice and we finally broke up after two tumultuous years.

when i was fourteen i dated this guy named kayne. he wasn’t my type. he was as far away from my type as could get, but he served a greater purpose. he was my catalyst for getting back at my parents. what middle America parent wouldn’t want to see their perfect little daughter with a eighteen year old six foot four black man. it was my gift to them, for all the love they showered me with as a child, and in return they kicked their little angel out. i make bad decisions, so it was to be expected.

but then anthony waltzed into my life. our relationship was…well it was complicated from the beginning. he dated my sister and i was in no way ready for another relationship, but one thing led to another and we ended up being together for three years. i don’t even know if you can call what we had a relationship. relationships involve going on dates, going to proms, red roses, boxes a chocolate, things of that nature, and we never did any of that. it was more physical than anything, all we seemed to do was fuck and then argue. argue and then fuck. and the cycle continued.

we both had our demons and together we just made them worst. under different circumstances we could have been great, but we weren’t. we were two likeminded people looking to be loved, but neither of us knew how and shit happened.

i got pregnant.

never told anthony.

and had an abortion.

now tell me. what guy could love a girl with all this baggage.