the only reason i''m doing this, is because i probably wouldn't be able to say it to you. one look. one word. and everything i say i'm going to do i can't do it, because all i want to do is see you smile. this isn't about my feelings for you, because as i tell you i care for you. i probably care too much for you. i don't want to admit to you, let alone myself the fact that you really are my number one. sucks to be epic, eh, but what are you gonna do.
this isn't about how i feel about you, or how i felt. i mean you say you want cock, nd i showed you mine god knows how many times and you turned me down each time. do you know what that does to man. low self-esteem ^_^. this is more on the fact that you've grown so much since we first talked and you've outgrowned me. i'm still pretty much that same inebriated J. only difference is i added a last name.
like you've said a million times over, HE inspired you. he gave you something to believe in. he made you want to live again. he's a GOD to you, and how do you compete with a god......you don't. you just die. and maybe thats why i'm at this point, because there's noway i can compete with that. maybe i'm ust mad because i wasn't what he is to you now. that all the time we had together i wasn't able to give you a reason to want to feel. to want to live. i wasn't able to give you that spark.
i kinda feel useless. i don't want to be that guy to always talk you off the edge. the guy you come to when you're feeling parnoid. that guy an be anyone, and hopefully soon you won't need that guy.
remember this, its important
i have two brothers. not three.
and remember this, its probably the most important thing i've ever told you
Pretend you are collecting baseball cards(because i collect baseball cards, just so you know). Pretend you are holding the rarest baseball card EVER MADE. You are the only person in the whole world who has this card. This card is worth MILLIONS. Then one day, the Topps Baseball Card Manufacture decides to give EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD THAT SAME CARD.
Your card isn't worth millions anymore.
This card has the world's attention.
The world's attention.
I am sharing this with the world.
You should be happy, but you aren't. You would be pissed off too, right?
But you're selfish.
Share.
and maybe thats my problem. i don't want to share. when i first met you you were this little old blogger pretending to be asian. you had me fooled for a while, then i discovered your myspace. and now you've blossomed(i used blossomed cause it describes how gay you are, no matter what moms says) into this epic blogger. way more epic then me. and you're basically the next coming of mirrorboy. cept older, still whiny but more creative, and the internet trolls aren't you own personal army of darkness.
and maybe i'm jealous because i have to share you with the world, when i'm use to having you to myself. i don't want to share you with all these people who know nothing about you. who figure they have you figured out, but don't realise that when they think that they really have no clue who you are. maybe i don't even know you. maybe i;m just being possessive. but what i do know is, i'm J, j.hubbard to mark. i'm a lowly star. they're the universe. you can find another star. i can't find another you. but you can find another me. just speak to the next black guy you meet. he could be me.
love you kid. see you in a year.
currently listening to Ave Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins
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