endless thoughts of a scattered mind

i’m afraid of heights, but i’ve never felt more at ease than when i was flying through the air across the united states. there’s was just something so comfortable about packing up all my things and leaving all the negativity behind in Georgia. i’ve been in California for almost a week and not once have i thought about going back home. i have a new home now, and its in el Segundo.

los angeles is different from Georgia. its different from every place i’ve ever lived and i think it was made for me. i haven’t felt awkward. i haven’t felt out of place. i haven’t felt anything negative. i only feel like can finally become the man i should be. i think i’m gonna like it here. i know i’m gonna love it.

so much is goin through my head right now its hard to make sense just exactly what’s reality and what’s fantasy. mark you make me smile. nigga you suck. not you mark. that other nigga. HIM. i have a bad heart and i can tell when it skips a beat. i need more medicine. i need health insurance. i need a job. i have a life now. i miss you jack. robby come back. life goes on while i hold back. the last breath i take will be the first you make. and it goes on. and on. and on.

endless thoughts of a scattered mind. some fact. some fiction. but all real.

currently listening to You're A Jerk by New Boyz

quick update

just a quick post to let everyone i'm not dead. i'm lovin LA and don't wanna leave. i really love the El Segundo area too. but i need somewhere to stay. anyone wanna be my roomate let me know.

lyfe255754@gmail.com

just because its been a week

"you make me feel whole. you make me feel new"

no clue where the quote comes from. no clue if i wrote it or someone else wrote it. maybe i wrote it about someone. this i don't know. but i wrote it in a post a week ago and never finished it. this isn't a real post, just something to feed the birds. the real post is about art.

the picture is here because some blogger thought it would be a "wicked" idea to post your desktop picture. this is mine. that is scott pilgrim. and i was close to changing it to some picture of my favorite panel in this comic i read. but yeah...

currently listening to the Tidal Wave by Cesario's Haiku Army

complexities of memories

i was epic. now i’m just a shadow of who i could have been. i loved too much. i trusted too long. i gave away my essence in hope of finding something too strong. i don’t know where i’m headed. just the direction. westward then up. i don’t know what i’m looking for. i’m not even looking anymore. i’m just headed west and then upward.

life is too long to be boggled down by insignificance. to be distracted by meaningless squabbles. to stay focused on something that is not good for you. to want what you can’t have. you have to move on. you have to pack up your bags and move across the country. good things don’t come to those who wait. but great things come to those who go out and grab them.

when i was eleven my younger brother seven. when i was eleven i wanted a lava lamp for no other reason but to say that i have a lava lamp. there’s nothing special about lava lamps, but its what i wanted. its what i desired. its what i thought i needed at the time. so i waited. and waited. and waited some more. when my younger brother turned eight, i was still eleven. when he turned eight a small part of me died and a jealous part of me was born.

i was no longer the baby. i was no longer the favorite. i was the middle child no one had to worry about. i wasn’t even the kid with the lava lamp. my eight year old little brother was the kid with the lava lamp. i waited and waited and i’m still waiting. i don’t want to be that eleven year old kid that waits for greatness to happen. i want to be the kid whose out chasing greatness.

and once again i failed at what this post was suppose to be about. it was suppose to be about how California isn’t a state. it’s a state of mind. three posts down and none of them served their original purpose. maybe i’ll get it right with number four. but i am J, mr.hubbard to some and i like blogging again. i feel like this blog is what southern inebriation should have became. but either way i’m back and i’m pretty sure i’m gonna be here for a few more years.

currently listening to Just Like A Star by Corinne Bailey Rae

cryptic messages of a supernova

eight hours later and i’m covered in cum while soaked in sweat. the ac is broken and my heart is on its last leg. we had a good run, but now its over. a two hour long conversation with K, disconnected chats with shots, and a date with an ellen page movie, but my mind keeps wondering back to you.

i love you. i lost myself in you. now i fear i’m losing you. i don’t want to lose you, but i’m pushing you away we’re migrating away from each other. and i’m hurting. i’m fuckin broken up inside and it hurts. i understand i’m not that guy. i could never be him but DAMN. there’s no way you can tell me that what i’m feeling now isn’t real. that there was never a point where you thought maybe we could have been what you and he are trying to be. there’s no way i can fuckin believe that. we were important once. now i feel we’re two wrong steps and a flat tire from being exiled.

but this is it. this is me putting it all out there. this is me letting go. this is me. this is big boy j speaking now in my serious voice. if you want to reply you know where to find me. write me an epic letter. send me a short fuck you. leave me a do you think my voice is sexy message. or just ignore this. pretend its not about you. that it was never about you. smashing pumpkins. killing myself to live. celibacy. naruto. just play dumb. but i’d rather you yell at me. give me a reaction. show me something.

show me you care. convince me we can be great again. convince me we can be what we were before. convince me we can be those pubic hair, rape me, beat me, cheap wal-mart wine drinking kids we once were and not the cryptic message messiahs we’ve become.

we were epic. now we’re just rage against the machines.

currently listening to Delicate by Damien Rice

be.kind.cali

sweat drips down the side of my face while damien rice fills the background. still a little bit of your taste in my mouth. still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. the room is still as x fills my mind up with images i wish were long forgotten and shots comments on my choice of music before he goes to cook. things are looking up.

my mind has been all over the place the last few weeks. life. sex. death. life. love. loss. ambitions. future. past. mistakes. you. me. us. we. her. him. me. it. they all brought me to the conclusion that i am me. all the decisions i've made. all the mistakes i've commited. all the things i’ve said all brought me to where i am now. they made me the person i am now. and i'm finally comfortable in my six foot black skin. i can finally say that i am j. i am big j. i am vayjay. i am nonsense. i am jamal. i am gay. was i born this way? i don't think i was, but i am now. and it doesn't bother me because i'm more than just a gay man.

the past year i've been able to come in contact with a bunch of people. none of them the same. and each one had a story to tell and was just looking for someone to listen. i want to be that ear. i want to listen. I want to be that shoulder to lean on because i never had someone like that in my life. because i kept a lot of my emotions bottled up fearing what others would think. fearing that i would look weak. fearing that i would let someone down. fearing that i wouldn’t meet their expectations. that i couldn’t rise to the occasion. that i would always be second best. i don’t want to be anyone’s second best anymore. i won’t allow myself to be. its just unacceptable.

and i want to thank you for helping realize its okay to say no. its okay to be selfish at times and put myself before others. that i’m just as important as everyone else if not more. i just want to say thank you. i’m glad i took the time to listen and you took the time to teach.

this post as a whole is not what it was suppose to be. it was suppose to be one of those “welcome to my blog-this is me” type of posts, but somewhere it turned into what you see. but i guess that is me in a nutshell. what i turned out to be, was not what i should have been.

currently listening to Cannonball by Damien Rice