be.kind.cali

sweat drips down the side of my face while damien rice fills the background. still a little bit of your taste in my mouth. still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. the room is still as x fills my mind up with images i wish were long forgotten and shots comments on my choice of music before he goes to cook. things are looking up.

my mind has been all over the place the last few weeks. life. sex. death. life. love. loss. ambitions. future. past. mistakes. you. me. us. we. her. him. me. it. they all brought me to the conclusion that i am me. all the decisions i've made. all the mistakes i've commited. all the things i’ve said all brought me to where i am now. they made me the person i am now. and i'm finally comfortable in my six foot black skin. i can finally say that i am j. i am big j. i am vayjay. i am nonsense. i am jamal. i am gay. was i born this way? i don't think i was, but i am now. and it doesn't bother me because i'm more than just a gay man.

the past year i've been able to come in contact with a bunch of people. none of them the same. and each one had a story to tell and was just looking for someone to listen. i want to be that ear. i want to listen. I want to be that shoulder to lean on because i never had someone like that in my life. because i kept a lot of my emotions bottled up fearing what others would think. fearing that i would look weak. fearing that i would let someone down. fearing that i wouldn’t meet their expectations. that i couldn’t rise to the occasion. that i would always be second best. i don’t want to be anyone’s second best anymore. i won’t allow myself to be. its just unacceptable.

and i want to thank you for helping realize its okay to say no. its okay to be selfish at times and put myself before others. that i’m just as important as everyone else if not more. i just want to say thank you. i’m glad i took the time to listen and you took the time to teach.

this post as a whole is not what it was suppose to be. it was suppose to be one of those “welcome to my blog-this is me” type of posts, but somewhere it turned into what you see. but i guess that is me in a nutshell. what i turned out to be, was not what i should have been.

currently listening to Cannonball by Damien Rice