because i am a virgin

my heart hurts. but mainly my chest. my brain is dead too. i wrote myself a few sticky notes. each one a different bright, electric color so i would notice them on my bland eggshell door. each one said "take your medicine J." my brain is dead. i'm braindead, because even with the colorful notes, i forgot too take my medicine two days in a row. now my heart hurts. i'm alreaady confused. and i'm probably gonna die in a few days. it was nice knowing most of you. especially you aek, you leave comments. WOOT! WOOT!

i think i'm gonna cut my losses and go join a convent, maybe the peace corps, or maybe go to my plan B. i think i'll look good in an air force uniform, and i hear the ladies love a man in uniform, not that i remotely care. cause i don't. maybe a little. but not really. people are confusing too. i know this now. i've realised in the last few days that i always find myself in the same situations. you would think that after nineteen years of living life i would know better by now. well, i don't.

but i blame it on

• not having a childhood
• growing up too fast
• being naiive
• discovering everything i believe in is based on a lie
• trusting people 
• puttnng too much faith in others
• caring about people when they're actions say they don't give a shit about me
  
• andnmost importantly, i blame it on the goose, cause i'm feeling pretty loose right now

i've come to realize that i'm never number one and i probably will never be number one. but i'm epically awesome at being number two(the backup friend/buddy). or as i've come to call it the conveniant friend. i'm never enough to be number one on someones list, but i'm always there when you need something. because thats just who i am. i'm a giver. i put others before myself, like a dumbass. i'm not selfish. i'm convenient, because you know that if you ask for something i'll pretty much say yeah (still working on saying no, its just so hard). need a little help with some work. i'm your guy. bored out of your mind and no one else is around. i'm your guy. taking a break at work. i'm your guy.

i'm that guy. i'm number two. i'm conveniant. and thats all i am. i'm your convenient fuck. your convienent friend. your convenient douchebag. and that my friends is lesson one in douchebaggery 101.

currently listening to Venus vs. Mars by Jay Z