operation: downfall, commences

as i type this my best friend is in some georgia emergency room fighting for her life while her stomach is being pumped. and i can't help but feel responsible. the last few days i've been seeing images of death pile up around me. i wake up and its the first thing i think about. i dream about people dying. i have flashes of death. and then i have moments where i'm in the present, but i'm not really here. i'm somewhere else, but i can't control what i'm doing i can only see.

today was one of those days. i woke up, and i had one of those moments. i pick up my phone, call my friend, but he doesn't answer. a woman does, and tells me he's no longer with us. i pause for a moment, take in the news, and quickly try to figure out a way to hack all his accounts so his family never has to know who he truly was.

i have these gut instincts, that i trust more than anything. i don't trust people. they lie. i lie. the truth is a lie. its all about perception. people believe what they want to believe. but i have my instincts, and i trust them more than anything, but they were wrong this time. he's not the one fighting for his life, K is. and i can't help but feel responsible.

its always been me and K against the world. we've always been there for one another and everything always worked out. but the moment we seperated shit just began to hit the fan and i took it upon myself to take responsibility for K. K has a tendency to take tings a little too serious. she gets angry, and she yells and a lot of people can't handle her personality. so after she does what she does, i'm always there to fix things. its what i do. i fix things.

me and K haven't seen each other in over a year. and within this year K has already tried to kill herself once. it wasn't the first time though, i've been dealing with this stuff since i was eleven. i've spent a few nights holding K reassuring her everything is gonna be okay. that shit will work out, it always does. to trust me, because i'm J and i know things. but i haven't been there for her this last year. i haven't been there to reassure her that everything is gonna be okay. that it will all work out, because i'm J and i know things. i took a break from K to figure my life out and maybe thats where i fucked up. K has a lot of demons to deal with, and she was recently diagnosed as being bipolar which explains a lot of things about her.

but here i am once again, with K on the verge of dying and once again i'm not there for her. the last time this happened i just cried myself to sleep and prayed that she'd be okay, but i have a gut feeling that she won't be. i just don't know. the only thing i do know is i'm leaving for georgia in an hour, but i don't know if i'm coming back. cali was suppose to be kind. it was suppose to be everything i asked for. and it was. but if i lose my best friend and i'm still in cali, i won't forgive myself. school can wait. life can wait. but i refuse to put K on pause.


this is something i have to do, and i'll deal with the repercussions later.