down the rabbit hole

i did it.

i shouldn't have, but i did. and i regret it now.

shit just got serious.

i haven't felt so numb since a year ago. its funny how my emotions run in a cyclical cycle. this is a lie, but you get the point. the day started off bad. i almost gave up, but my dad was a marine and he instilled values in me. beat. the. pussy. up. and he did. but that didn't help me get through the day.

frustration. mass confusion. sleep deprivation. hunger. headache. awkwardness. acrophobia. and clautophobia all led me to this breaking point, and when i reached out to those closest to me only to find myself standing on a ledge. i did the unthinkable. i jumped. but he caught me. he gave me hope. he made me feel warm. he made me feel better.

if only i could bottle that shit up and wear it around my neck, i would.

i did it, and i regret it. i looked. i saw. and now i'm numb again. the day just got bad again and the morning will be worse. the days to follow have two distinct paths. the one i should follow. and the one i will. the one laced with self-medication. sprinkled with quick highs. doused with false sense of security, but i don't care anymore. because everything i believed in. everything i've based my ideologies on. everything i am, is a lie.

i'm dying.

but i'm killing myself to live.

currently listening to the Cryptic Symposiums by Jace Yang